More reprimands

I’ve just been hauled over the coals by the Plans again – it seems I still don’t have the idea right about how I should present the Ausfood days.

And there I was thinking that I had pulled the days together with the order of meals set out quite clearly, the fresh produce vendors identified ad occasionally a hint about how the ingredients might have been put together.

Not good enough it seems. I have not set it out clearly enough and in the Approved Plan Manner.

I quoted Rhett Butler out loud – “Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. “

This was met with a quick intake of breath not unlike a snake hissing. A very large and malevolent snake.

At that I decided against making matters worse by moving to another Rhett Butler quote, which only occurred to me after the first one was spoken out loud. It’s the one about being very drunk and intending to get drunker before the evening’s out. The truth is I am as sober as a tee-total judge as I type this, but there is a chance that somewhere in the not-too-distant future those Plans will drive me to drink and I may well have occasion to trot out old Rhett’s quote and give it an airing.

So the end result of their badgering sees me going away like a naughty little school-girl and sitting in the corner while I set out some sort of template to make sure I follow The Approved Plan.

I have also made a sorry start to the ingredient list, an action also carried out with very, very bad grace on my part.

When you look you will see I am telling the truth. I need a good shaking for behaving so badly.

The ingredient page

The Plans have been back; not just the minions this time but the Master Plan and an offsider.

I didn't have to wait long to find out what was in store for me this time.

It seems the general consensus among the Plans is that I need to tidy up the Ausfood days.  I listen without commenting but I am thinking plenty.  I am thinking I have completed a total of three days and already they are not happy. -   they have ideas and they have sent along the Big Gun and another of the Plans.

I cannot say in all truth that I was happy with their comments. The Master Plan was at his diplomatic best but the underlying message is to have one template set up for the Ausfood day post and to not publish something that looks like the dog's breakfast.  My words, not theirs.

I'll feel better about being having my faults pointed out when a bit more time passes.  Perhaps.

And as for the offsider - this quiet, unassuming Plan is the Ingredient Plan  who wants me to set up a page whose title will come as no surprise.  It is to be the Ingredient Page where I will verify all the ingredients in case any of you out there doubted my veracity.

I am to put this into practice forthwith and they will be back to check up next month. Just as they took their leave the Master Plan paused and turned.

"There is one more thing Ms Blog Administrator, when I come back next month I will bring along the Recipe Plan to have a chat with you."

"I'll certainly be looking forward to your return." I said through clenched teeth.

And now I will go straight to the pages and head up the ingredient page. I can tell you now it will be blank and it will stay that way until I regain my equanimity and can settle down to some serious thinking and planning.

Setting up an ingredient page is not as simple as it might sound.

More confrontation

Self congratulation on evading another episode with the Plans came unstuck very quickly.

There I was sitting in a relaxed and carefree manner in the backburner chair when I heard an angry buzzing which grew louder and louder and closer.

They were back.

The Team Plan and another plan, one that I had not seen before.

The buzzing was coming from the Team Plan who was obviously in charge of today’s telling off.

“You think you’re very clever setting up the Challenge Plan don’t you? Think you’re pretty smart and now you think can sit around in that chair doing nothing?”

I was taken aback at this outburst and wasn’t really thinking anything at all. It didn’t matter because Team Plan was in full flight.

“Now listen to me. I’ve said this before and now I’m telling you for the last time. This is the plan for a team. You need other ideas and input. One person is only able to give one view. Yours. What makes you think you know everything? Too limiting that’s what it is. Get some other people on board. You’ve got a selection from the survey. You’re asking people you know. You must know whether they would be interested and what they can add to this blog.”

The words are tumbling out in a torrent and I wait for a small pause. I might be waiting a long time.

I interrupt the flow.

“Yes. Yes. I hear what you are saying. I can think of a couple of candidates right now. I’ll talk to them.”

Team Plan is staggered at my immediate response and actually stops ranting.

I seize the moment to ask what the other Plan wants.

The other Plan wants an Ingredient list.

An Ingredient list.

Please.  Spare me the details .

They're back and they're not happy

I knew it was a big mistake to mention the word backburner in this post.

Only two of them are back. The two who may well turn out to be the bane of my life. That’s certainly the impression I got today when I sat down in the backburner chair and my thoughts turned towards the blog.

The Challenge Plan was in full cry today. If these Plans have beds, then the Challenge Plan got out of the proverbial wrong side today. The situation wasn’t helped by that little creep Team Plan hanging around throwing in unasked for suggestions, some of them downright rude. In fact the whole performance was something I ‘d prefer not to repeat.

The Challenge Plan was divided about to where to direct most of his wrath; at me for being so slack about setting up the required Challenge Plan or at the Team Plan for his constant inane interruptions. In a moment of towering rage Team plan was shoved into the background and was told in no uncertain fashion to shut up and keep out of things. This worked in a fashion, but not all that successfully; for the remainder of the time the Team Plan stood muttering in the background like a backing singer taking up a constant repetitive refrain.

Up to that point the discussion was a litany of totally unprintable words and as a result there will be no dialogue in this post today for fear your screen may melt down as you read. We did however come to an arrangement about the Challenge, mainly because the thought uppermost in my mind was peace at any price and more realistically because I do need to have some idea about how to tackle the serious business of actually eating Australian food in an organised manner and on an organised basis.

As you see here the format has already been suggested, I will now go away and work away at this idea. According to the Challenge Plan I have until the middle of February to get this organised or I will be hearing more.

Hearing more in today’s atmosphere is something I want to avoid at all costs.

The Return of the Plans

It’s been very hot today. I’m tired. I drop into the backburner chair and close my eyes. What direction should I take now?

I don’t have to wait long. The Plans are waiting for me. And they are not waiting patiently. Impatience is writ large all over them and they all speak at once.

“Where have you been? You said you would be back in a week. Don’t mess us about!”

“I’ve been busy. My life doesn’t revolve around you lot you know.”

“Ah, what a load of rubbish. We know….”

“Quiet!” It’s the Master Plan, and he’s furious. I’ve never heard him yell like this before.

There are muttered responses, jostling and shuffling and eventually quiet, apart from a brief whispered aside and a smothered laugh from two of the Plans.

“Challenge Plan, if you have something to say, say it. And Team Plan, just shut up. You’ll get your turn but it won’t be today.”

Master Plan turns back to face me.
“I’ll let Challenge Plan tell you what we have come up with.”

Challenge Plan is well named; a term in use a while back, to describe some-one who was short in stature was “vertically challenged”. This description fits Challenge Plan perfectly. However, what Challenge Plan lacks in height is more than made up for in self importance. There is much shuffling of a sheaf of papers, throat clearing and finally a start is made.

A fleeting passing thought, and one that makes me sigh inwardly, is the idea that this plan might be convoluted, time consuming and difficult to follow.

“Ms Blog Author, you need a specific aim. You need to set a target; give yourself a challenge to meet. Don’t make it too difficult or you will give up. Look at this year as a research and training year. A warm-up year if you like and next year you will be ready to face the real challenge. Here’s a brief outline of what I have in mind.”

Challenge Plan pauses, shuffles through the papers, takes a deep breath and starts reading.

“Let’s look at next year first. In order not to over reach yourself, consider one third of the year, or 120 days, as your target for eating only 100% Australian food. When I say 100% Australian food, this means as close as you can possibly get to that target from reading the label on the packaging. If you spread these days evenly over twelve months, it‘s only ten days per month and that should be achievable. The real work here is how you will deal with the detail of each of these days in a blog post. It will need to be as simple, informative but very importantly, verifiable. Anyone can claim to spend ten days each month eating only Australian food. Talk is cheap. Proof is something else. Now I realise you can’t have the Food Police at your shoulder you while you shop, cook and eat, but there are other ways of approaching this situation. “

At this point Challenge Plan stops reading, looks at me and raises an eyebrow.

“Are you following me so far?”

I nod. I’m really waiting to hear what is in store for me in the first half of this year. I’m more interested in the now, not some time a year distant. I’m sure I will hear about this when the reading starts again.

After another brief rearrangement of the papers, the reading continues.

“Now, this is what should happen this year. It is almost the end of January. You should see January as a starting point but from here on you will need to apply yourself to the Challenge. Master Plan and the rest of the team are pleased to see you have already made a start on one day of  eating only Australian food .  To meet the Challenge you will need to increase you Australian food days – we are going to call it Ausfood from today - by one day per month and by October you will have reached your ten day target. What do you think about that for a plan? “

“Sounds good to me.”

“You need to remember” Challenge Plan continues “the 120 day Challenge is only part of the deal and the tricky part is to set up the ingredient verification chart. Now this is where Food Plan will help you out with ideas about setting up the chart. I’ll just see if Food Plan is about anywhere and you can both talk about it now.”

I am galvanized into action. Talk about it now? No way. Challenge Plan expresses disapproval but I am not about to be browbeaten. I am off to Rutherglen later this week to take in some country air and see what the town has to offer in the way of Ausfood.

I suggest that Challenge Plan pass on my busy schedule to Food Plan and they can get back to me when I return from the North-East.

Plan Time

Now that the idea for the blog has been taken off the backburner in my mind and set down for all the world to see, I'm not confident there will be anything too useful remaining there.

I am right and I am wrong. There is a lot happening on the backburner; none of it too constructive at first glance.

Chaos and pandemonium are the order of the day. I can hardly hear myself think. I close my eyes and concentrate. I grasp the situation suddenly; the Plans have taken over the backburner. 

 There is much yelling, shouting and jostling for position among the Plans. I'm overwhelmed. Just what is going on here? 

  A Plan, waving a placard, pushes and shoves through the crowd. "I'm the one you need. I'm absolutely the most important Plan of all. The Team Plan. You need a few people with bright ideas who know about food. Make this blog a one person blog and it's going to be as boring as all-get-out. What I've seen of your cooking talent on that other backburner - that one on the stove by the kitchen cupboard - is laughable. You need all the help you can get."

A second Plan rushes to the front and shouts Team Plan down.

"Ah, shut up and shove off Team Plan. You think you know everything. Listen, Ms Blog Author, You need me - the Challenge Plan. You need to know what your aims are for this blog. Just walking aimlessly around a supermarket reading labels is dumb. Who cares? What are you going to do next? I'll tell you. You're going to listen to me that's...... Ooh!! Ouch!! You lowlife dog,Team Plan. I'll fix you right up. Right now. You're not kicking me and getting away with it" 

  There is much pushing, shoving and a few wild punches are thrown. This free-for-all distracts most of the other Plans and their supporters, who gather round Team Plan and Eating Plan, urging them on in language and terms better suited to an all-in brawl at 2 am in the far end of a dark, suburban pub car park.

I can't help but wonder if there's not a Chaos Plan hidden somewhere among this mob. It would be the right Plan in the right place for this sort of carry-on. 

  Ignoring the melee, another Plan steps forward, speaking quietly and politely.

 " Ms Blog Author, I'd like to introduce myself, I'm the Master Plan. I oversee this lot and although they look a bit rag, tag and bob right this minute and tact is not always their forte, they can come up with some good ideas. They're just a bit over excited about helping out with your blog. We've had an around-the backburner conference and here's our first idea. Excuse me one moment."

Master Plan goes over to the crowd, seizes another Plan which is hauled back to face me.

"This is Survey Plan. Speak your piece Survey Plan."

Survey Plan manages to look surly, blank and bewildered in rapid sequence.

"Oh. You mean about her damned blog. Whoops, just thinking out loud Ms Blog Author. I'm sure the blog will be great once we've taken you in hand. You need to do a short survey, something that will give you an idea of what people might think about buying Australian grown produce and supporting Australian farmers. You might think it's a great idea but other people might think it's a load of rubbish. Old Master Plan here has approved my survey. I can email it to you pronto. Watch'ya think eh?"

I can only nod in agreement. The other Plans have gathered around and are as quiet as mice; their thunder has been stolen by Survey Plan and they are silently aggrieved.

Master Plan and I agree to meet around the backburner again in a few days to discuss further developments. I stress the meeting has to be orderly; I've had enough of unruly, raucous, ill-mannered Plans for today." 

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